Which flower are you really?

You know how we often say 'motivational' things about tough, bold, brave plants that come up through concrete or, like this thrift on the cliff face, grow in really tough places? Had me thinking today though, lovely as they are, it's a bit tough on many of us to do all this 'go for it' stuff; we're all beautiful 'flowers', but if you're not a thrift, you're not a thrift! A rose is absolutely stunning but wouldn't fare well on this cliff face! As is an orchid, but wouldn't last a second here. Would we suggest it 'wasn't trying hard enough' if we saw it struggling up there? No, we'd take it to where it could be the best rose or orchid it could be. Let's do that with ourselves and for each other? What flower do you think you are? And which flower are you really? And where do you best flourish? Do those match? Which flower will you let yourself be as the very best flower you are?

When self-damning comes for tea...

So, what happens when every tip is forgotten, every truth we know is questioned, every principle resisted, and our sense of self denied...? The opposite of everything they offer seems to turn up - and the day goes pear-shaped and we feel horrible?  

The mind, 'The Awesome Power of the Mind' as George Zaluki's training series called it back in the 90's. I know what he meant, that we need to use it constructively, but I have also never forgotten his words at those times when the mind 'goes off on one'....running out of control like a bolting horse dragging me - as it does us all at times - through low-slung branches of pessimism, across gorges full of snapping 'what ifs', and rivers of turbulent dramas. Yes, the mind is disappointingly powerful then, and the day goes rapidly downhill.

So, how to get it back under control, or as I prefer, back as our friend again? Well, wrestling anything only serves to create a lot of noise and bluster. There might be a winner but also a loser, and at best there'll be bloodied noses and scraped knees for sure. "What we resist persists", so what else can we do? Surrender. 

Surrender? Surely not? Give in? Wont we drown and everything go wrong? 'We get what we think' and all that manifesting stuff..... But no, we're thinking it anyway, resistance or not. It's there isn't it, all the gloom and doom? Resistance can't exist against nothing. That's why we're looking for something positive to 'snap into'; if we want to 'snap out of it' I guess we are snapping into somewhere else. No, for me this is a time for observation - deep observation of what is going on. Especially if it is a familiar cast of feelings on the  stage - a time to learn much and heal another layer.

So, what are the tips, truths, and principles? And where is the denied self? 
Tip #1 - "I'm having a human moment" seems too simple, but strangely effective; the first place to get is off one's own back - it's hard to move with all that weight on our selves! Having got off, let's look at The Four Agreements....

1. "Be impeccable with the word - especially to one's self": Hmm, well, do you hear all those whispers in the wings as you give your bold and positive soliloquy on stage? "I am powerful, I am strong and beautiful, I see everything going well, I am one with everything, all will be well, this is meant....." You know your script, I know mine....only now I don't bother with that and begin to hear to those unimpeccable wing-hissers as soon as I can.... "There you are, told you you were no good". "If only you had/hadn't done...." "Anyone could see that wasn't going to work." "You've always got it wrong." You'll never get this right; everything you do always goes wrong." Nah, nah, nah-de-nah... On and on and on - all the things we have ever heard said to us in our lives, and while we're at it, let's add in the best we've heard said to others too. Oh, and if we feel really bad, let's add in a few tasty exagerations and self-damning expletives as well. But, through my agreeing to listen to them I have the light shining on them, I can see them, and already they are shrinking in the light. And in the seeing of them, often something will 'come up' from the past - some long-buried memory that has me 'feel' it at a deep level beyond the mind's drama, and I 'see' it as if for the first time. In that seeing, something bursts - like bubble-wrap - because I can now not only see, but feel that it isn't so, very likely never was, and certainly isn't now. And then I can begin to be truly impeccable with my word to myself - "Hey girl, hang in there; you're worth it, you know your truth, you know you're worth being able to live without these thoughts and ghostly beliefs. That was their story, not yours. Something's just come up to be sorted out. Now, what can we do about this Now situation - what's next?"

2. "Don't take anything personally": unless I choose to do so! Which, if I am being unimpeccable with my word to my self, and beating myself 'senseless' (perfect word - think about it!), I will be doing. But who wouldn't feel like taking it personally if someone said, "I don't believe you can"? There is however, in truth, never any need to believe this because the words will be coming from the other's take on life, from their own story and not yours, but if you are the speaker to yourself, yes, it's close up and very personal!! So, it's back to #1 again.

3. "Don't make assumptions": Ah yes, well, there it is - I can now see many of those assumptions which were hidden in the mayhem. "It's impossible, I can't do it" - a big, generic assumption - often taken personally in the years before. But put impeccably it looks like this, "It is possible, but right now I feel it isn't, and I can't see how it could be." That leads me straight out of the loneliness with it and into, "Who can I ask for support and/or advice?" Sometimes there will be someone obvious, and always there the voice of my Higher Power, or my soul, and to who's wisdom I am now open.

4. "Always do your best - bearing in mind that your best will vary day to day, moment to moment": And in this moment of 'things not good', your best might not feel very best at all. And that's ok, that's where the surrender lies. Surrender to purpose, surrender to the moment, gently bringing your presence to all the feelings it contains; the feelings are here to tell you something. However, sometimes before we can do this, there is a part of us that actually wants to enjoy the drama. Call it ego, call it habit, call it just the part of us that sees the light in life through sometimes acknowledging the dark - and we can't do dark cheerfully or it isn't real dark! So sometimes we could even call it soul wisdom - we have to really Get In There to make a new discovery. But then it's back to to self-kindness and the moving through and out. There's another thing to consider though - why has it become such a sin to occasionally say when asked how we are, "Well, you know, today is just crappy - nothing I can put my finger on, but I just feel bleugh." Then everyone tries to pull us out of it as if we're wrong (again) in being other than happy. How lovely it is to find (or be) someone who just looks at us from their heart, says nothing, and maybe offers a non-healing-hug; one that just Let's Us Be, just as we are in that moment, the best we can be right now - that's unconditional love and it changes everything. But first we need to consider that as a possibility for our selves.

So, a tip, four principles - or new agreements - the truth re-vealed, uncovered again from where it always was, the truth being that we are wonderful beings of light having a human experience. Gorgeously messy and delightfully willing. When we forget this and imagine ourselves to be only gorgeous when winning, when in dinner suit and ball-gown, when smiling and dancing, it all gets very hard. It's as if we are knitting with ships' ropes - extremely cumbersome! So, let's remember our beauty is always there - sometimes in a very soggy and cross way, sometimes in moments of complete confusion, sometimes in blank grey nothingness, but like the clouds, these days will blow away. And let's consider some small gratitude for the 'crappy days'? These are the days of change, growth and progress, the days where we create our true glory.

On commitment....

Commitment....

....now, there’s a word and a half! And one that’s been on my mind each day as I see the little note on the worktop, or in my diary - moving around, never being thrown away, never getting lost - that says, “Write a piece on commitment for Patricia”. As in, the piece is for Patricia, not commitment for Patricia. Or is it? Of course it is; my commitment to and for Patricia in doing what I said I would do when she asked me to write on this for her newsletter. It is me doing the thing I said I would do, long (!) after the mood/time I said it in had left me. 

Shall I say that again? “Commitment is doing the thing you said you would do, long after the mood you said it in has left you.” 

I heard it over 20 years ago from a great man in America, George Zaluki. His work is all about each of us living the life of the champions we are - no matter in what arena, even if it’s working in the store. And George’s other powerful statement that has never left me is this, “The only thing mankind has is their word. And how cheaply they use it.”

Those words silenced an audience of 5,000 people into pin-drop silence. And why would they not? Everything we see, use, play with, work with, go to, desire and dream about is made up of words.... Words are our paint in life. So we need to wake up and make sure we paint pictures worth painting with them. Yes, how cheaply we use them, especially when we say we’ll do something but we don’t. This is how we often paint with the word commitment: “I’ll do it until....” “I know I said I would but....” “I’ll do it as long as...” Yet commitment, like love, doesn’t function under conditions, because commitment is love - love for the other and love for yourself, both automatically including respect.

If we want our world to run smoothly, maybe it would be good to look at this word ‘commitment’. We spend so much of our lives bemoaning how things haven’t turned out as we hoped, people haven’t kept their word - often even saying or thinking, “Probably wont happen; usually doesn’t...”.  If you look at it, when we are even just a little upset about something, it’s to do with something in life that isn’t turning out the way it ‘should’.... And what is this ‘should’? It’s often to do with something promised by someone else.... “I’ll be there on Tuesday.” And then, “Oh, you know I said I could help on Tuesday....? Well, sorry, something’s come up and I can’t.” (I am going to hazard a guess that, with scrutiny, this sounds familiar from both sides.) So another gram of trust dies - not because of disappointment, but because we innately know their, or our own, word has not been kept. 

As we move through life, from fairy story to religion as children, through science and literature in school, from TV, media, and conversations later in life, what we’re promised is all too rarely what happens. And the most painful is from those who are meant to care about us. As a child we might rant and rail, cry and stamp our feet until we ‘learn to grow up’ (aka, suppress the lot) when we meet with that heart crushing disappointment that we know is an excuse, but what do we do with it as adults? I suggest we become slightly cynical, closed down, heavy with resignation, pessimistic, and lose our trust in what people say - even if some of us head for spirituality and the healing world to handle or heal the wounds from these times.

So, what are these disappointments? Are they truly about the things that con’t happen because they are out of our control? I say not. “Huh?” you might be saying. Commitment could be put another way - Commitment is the automatic result of people keeping their word. It’s in fact a circular event; I say I will (my word), and I do. Or I do, so I have kept my word. If people keep their word, no matter their mood change, disappointment becomes far less of an issue.

Of course there are things in life that occur to change plans - the weather being a major one! Illness. Family needs. And even a change of mood! But, big but, if we use these as excuses when they are not true, we are not being relieved of our commitment; we are lying. And because we know we do it, we think that it is likely the other is doing it to us. So we lose trust in them because we have no trust in ourselves. If something has truly ‘come up’ for us, we can tell the other honestly by using the power of our word to convey this fact to them. Then, with the growth of commitment and honesty, trust grows and a great deal of unnecessary disappointment shrinks, especially the ‘heart-crushing disappointment’ that has far more to do with being lied to, of not seeming important enough, than the missing out on something looked forward to. Our hearts are wise and sensitive, and we just know when we are being spun a yarn, because we know when we are doing it, and we re-cognise it.... 

So, as my aunt, Esme Crampton, wrote in her book ‘Good Words Well Spoken’ many years ago, “To thine own self be true’ because (a) you haven’t time for anything else, and (b) your own integrity is the longest running thread of your communicating life.”

If you are true to yourself, if you are impeccable with your word, if you hold everyone in your heart as your co-aspect of divinity, commitment will simply be there in your life in spades. We don’t ‘do’ commitment, we don’t need to learn commitment, we don’t have to put it on like a heavy coat, we are commitment; our very essence is commitment, unless we choose to forget that.

So, even if you are healed from past disappointments and it doesn’t hurt any more, change the old habits to be the change we need to see; do what you say. Remember ‘Ah, but I didn’t promise’ is the biggest let down to, and of, your self that you will ever allow. Use the mirror as your conscience and watch the world change with your growth in commitment.... And even if it takes far too long to write the piece you promised, write it!

Brambles...inner and outer.

Fully brambled up! 4 feet high and 3 feet deep.

Today I cut brambles. And I was struck during the 45 prickly minutes as to how like life, learning, growth, change, the activity was.

It was on with the thick gloves and out with the secateurs; time to face the tangled task and begin. But where? At the beginning seemed best; the stem ends nearest me, even if nowhere near the root. I could have dived in right down there - in fact it might have seemed the 'right way to get right to the root' - but it would have been a real case of 'Ouch'!' As I went for my persistent 'clipping away at what was right there' method, I was pondering the many ways of 'attacking' something tangled and painful, whether it's brambles, the dilemmas in our life, or things in our past that come up for healing. Some folk might get out the Big Guys; the petrol strimmer from the shed and go at brambles like a bull at a gate, or maybe the scythe - a slightly smaller bull - or maybe with weed-killer? Or maybe even get someone else to do the job?... Possible with hedgerow brambles, not so effective with our own inner brambles. What might you do? And does your choice in the garden tie in with your choice of dealing with the 'inner brambles' of your life? 

So many of these choices could be called 'throwing the baby out with the bath water' - losing much of what is good along with the brambles. Ever the lover of analogy and metaphor, I found myself being aware of my method, and the many others that could be used, and how like the approach to the 'deeper stuff of life" they were. 

My awareness around today's brambles was:
- Step up to the task and look at it.
- Sense the overwhelm at the size of the clump of brambles.
- Start by trimming the bits nearest to me, even if only a short way down from the tip.
- Discover that much of the clump was long dead and incredibly easy to pull away.
- Experience the snipping of a long stem, pulling on it and getting snagged because it was caught up elsewhere.
- Having found that these long stems were often tangled further in, simply leaving them until I found them again later after clearing what was in front of them.
- Cut and snip, snip and cut, and then step back to see the long 'branches' over my head for the next go, but enjoy the clarity of what had been cleared, and smile at the power of persistence.
- Sometimes there was a really, really long stem, and to pull it out I had to stand up and step right back and away several feet from the clump in order to allow the tip of the stem to come free.
- Having seen the clump from afar again, I could see how it was going and where it was best to step back in.
- As the brambles cleared, there were all the hidden beauties of the old wall underneath ferns, foxgloves, primroses, and the old granite stones themselves. Those things that would have been lost with the strimmer, the scythe, the weedkiller - all those things that  'would have made the job easier and quicker'....but babies out with their bathwater.

80% of the brambles are actually dead and brittle.

There was something wonderful about the job; it reminded me of all the years I have been involved with facing things, teaching things, healing things, changing things, becoming more aware of the truth behind them, and inhibiting the desire to deal with them any old way as long as it was quickly and 'easily'. In my rush to do that, I would not see that beginning at the edges was just fine. That stepping back to see how things were going, or appreciating those moments when clarity-lending distance was offered (the long stems that need space to come free) as a gift. Understanding that even when I couldn't sort it out immediately, coming back to it later was fine. That sometimes the healing or answer isn't where we think it is, and we have to nurture patience and trust. (And that to deny the 'isn-ness' of a caught up stem can be a painful experience!) Enjoying the unexpected simple healing of what seemed a dreadful memory or difficult conundrum because, when faced as it revealed itself, it was found to now be dead stems that just crumbled into pieces. Revelling in the joy of steady, persistent, conscious, committed, trust-full 'snipping' which bears such rewards..... 

And what's the real reason I was clearing brambles? Was it to 'get rid of the brambles'? Or to reveal what is underneath? To focus on the obstacles? Or the dreams? The revealing of dreams is a far more effective way of working. It even, in this instance, allows acknowledgment of the beauty and benefit, the gifts and loveliness of the bramble bush - white flowers and delicious fruits. (Just not right there, please!) And the focus lends a gratitude to those 'inner brambles' that we have all experienced; there are always flowers and fruits to those, too.

A little more to go, but the beauty revealed.

So, the 45 minutes of clearing today turned into a 'bramble meditation', and a wonderful experience of happy 'means whereby' (step by appropriate step) over leaden and fractious 'end-gaining'(any old way will do.)

Now, will I remember the steady, directed, one step at a time, patient, enjoyable, trusting, happy method of 'cutting back the inner brambles' next time I come upon them?
I don't know. I hope so. How will you do? What method would you use? 

Past meets present.....

OK, I'm going to be straight up - this is a time of self-beating, not self-kindness. And yet it isn't; it's a time of feeling respect-fully in the moment, very open, extremely sensitive, new, exposed...the old shell off and the new one not yet set, and I am being (slightly) kind to myself, considering.... I have a coffee in front of me in my old 'Now Panic and Freak Out' mug, dug out from the back of the cupboard to remind me that I am doing well in not doing too much of the freaking out bit. And that agreeing to stay in this place of utter wake up is being very, very kind to myself.

What's happened I have no idea - much is changing for all of us at the moment, and I am in the business of change so am always up for it in some way, but this one feels huge. Whether it's a big mid-life-crisis, or even deeper shift in consciousness, I feel as if great scales have fallen off my hitherto thought to be aware eyes in the last four days. Years of facing old 'stuff' and healing it, and yet now it is as if I am right back in the old events of my life, yet with today's wisdom of years. And boy can I see, with nowhere to hide, where I wasn't so hot, was right off line, and was always spouting off in an attempt to look good, seem knowledgeable, faking-it-and-defintely-not-making-it. I don't know an eightieth of what I think I do. I've 'seen' it before, but as if I was outside looking in, but now I am right in it; hearing every word, seeing every action, sensing every emotion with acute clarity. 'Useless' - a belief I inked in by my very agreement to it - has arrived on my doorstep in person rather than in memory. And we are facing each other warily, sniffing the air to see what will come of this re-encounter....

 I wrote this earlier today, "We’re working on these things not so much for what you can see, but for what you can’t see; when the body is balanced, when there is an ‘is-ness’ about us, all sorts of good things start happening. In this instance, it’s not the body that’s balanced, but the person, the self, the whole. This work might look all about ‘looks’, but it’s far more to do with something much deeper - that layer which, when open and clear,  acts like a magnet for all things good. That layer is still happening when it’s all cluttered up and messy too - and that’s the life most of us know and wonder why pain, both physical and emotional, happens over and over. Well, if we go on doing what we’ve always done, we’re going to go on getting what we’ve always got. The thing is, anything else feels so unfamiliar that it feels outright wrong. And who’s going to risk doing something that feels wrong in order for good things to happen? Hence the role of an Alexander teacher - in the safe environment of a lesson you have the chance to experience what it feels like to not do the old, familiar things and to experience other possibilities. If we can’t even stand up from a chair, or walk across the room in a way that feels different without tensing up and leaping into massive judgements about it, how on earth are we going to handle the somewhat larger things in life, like relationship problems, job arguments, big decisions? Consequently we go on doing the same old things and just getting a PhD in disappointment. The principle of how is the same - 
1. Be aware of what I’ve always done and how I’ve done it. 2. Say no to that old way - not resisting, just being present and open to new ideas as I consider what it is I am aiming for. 3. Allow those new ways to manifest, again without judgement, and see what happens.  And most importantly, to understand that I always maintain my choice to go back to the old way if I want; this is always my decision, just under guidance, not brainwashing or trickery, or being told what to do. However, it is so important to have support of a teacher in that place of, “But this feels wrong; I want to do it the old way, but I know that doesn’t work/gives me pain, so, what do I do?!?” At that point the hands and voice of the teacher are there to reassure and keep you on track until you discover that all is well and your confidence grows."

Well, I have that PhD in (self-)disappointment staring me in the face right now. And yet, if I go on doing what I’ve always done, I'm going to go on getting what I’ve always got.' So, what have I always done? I can tell you right now, uncomfortable as it is for me to say so; it is pretending I am someone other than I am. And that I know a great deal of Important Stuff, which I don't. And now I leave a space, on purpose.... 




.....to allow time for my no reaction, no old running off into "but if I...", or "If I imitate so-and-so...', or 'that book assures me that really I am beautiful inside...' Space to sit right with it and not run away inside or outside....



'Pretending I am someone other than I am'....I've been working on this one for years - I even run courses called "Living Your Truth". But this layer is a biggy.  What's different about this one? It seems much, much deeper than the previous ones. Because the one I am inside, the one who has been hiding - who feels she wont ever be successful, wont ever reach her dreams - is now standing in the room, looking at me, reminding me of all I failed at. Yet is this really true? It's also as if that young girl is looking at me as if to say, "Yes, you acted. You pretended. You were too scared to do anything else. In fact you were told that was the right way to live and good people acted really well. But that was then. I thought you would have dropped that agreement by now. Why are you still acting you instead of being you?"

Because it's a deeply ingrained habit - I've done it for years. As Tommy Thompson often says in workshops, "What is it you do in order to be who you think you need to be?" I thought I had that one cracked, but now, oh boy, how long have you got?!.... I remember a great release many years ago when I read Jeremy Chance's words, "I gave up all the effort I was putting into being Jeremy". But this feel even deeper. Now, like the writing above, I need to experience (yet again) what it feels like to not do the old, familiar things and to experience other possibilities... Fortunately I have had this work with me for many years now; I recognise times of change with (tentative!) gratitude. I am more used to sitting in that place where unfamiliar feels so wrong, but heck, right now I admit it would be lovely to have a teacher in here with me!

Still, I have my higher power, my soul-self, with me as I sit, walk, garden, teach, carry on the day 'doing nothing about this feeling'; simply acknowledging the strangeness and risking all for the shift within by posting words like these... Do-or-dare, go for it, drop the mask and share what's really going on inside instead of what I hope people will like and approve of. Maybe stupid, maybe wise - but a chance for me to 'not react' to the outcome nonetheless.

And now to not write an effacing, doubtful, apologetic final sentence - just leave it.... There.... End.

"I used to, but I can't any more." This is not always so.....

Subtitle headline: Teacher Goes On Learning!

A photo I took of Paul Collins on his run from Helston to Minehead in 1981
(Helston in Cornwall and Minehead in Devon - 162 miles in 4 days. He then ran the 220 miles to London.)

I used to run everywhere..... What was the point in walking if I could run? Why walk when the joy of running felt so much fun - lighter, free, sometimes even like flying.... And I ran as I got older, not a sort of 'everyday-ready-for-a-marathon' type run, but I could run for a bus, step on the gas a bit when out with the dog, chase the children, win at school sports days... Then it got tough for some reason - no pain, just tough. But I still danced happily and energetically (using a step meter one night revealed I had danced seven miles!), and one evening last year, in the gloaming, I actually decided to dance (Cornish fashion, which is kind of sideways, which is why I did it at dusk) down to my post box at the end of the track - some 80 yards. (Metres for the young, and meters for the friends over the ocean!) And I could do it just fine, no problem. But run it? No, I couldn't do it - well, I could have done in 20 yard increments, but I feared for a heart attack, a faint from lack of breath, and had leaden legs that disappointed me greatly and I would despondently stop. My 'dance-run' had sown a seed of hope in that I clearly wasn't for the knacker's yard yet, but I was going to look mighty funny dancing for a bus when I was a pensioner!

Time went on and I would ponder this fact, and try a few yards from time to time, but with the same result - bad news for an Alexander teacher. Yet still the dancing was fine - so I knew all was not lost. Then a student came recently and said he had begun 'Barefoot Running'. I was intrigued; as a teacher of this work I am curious about what students are doing, and what things are out there attracting people's attention. He explained a little, and after the lesson I looked up the website of John Woodward www.naturalrunning.co.uk  I knew of his name because I had supported Paul Collins on many of his ultra-marathons during my Alexander teacher-training on his course in the early 1980's. John had worked extensively with Paul later in Paul's life. And there it was, written on John's page; "Cultivate a silent footfall - "What you cannot hear from your feet will not hurt you" was one of Paul's favourite sayings." 

Well, I'm going to dare to say that I haven't ever been known for heavy-footedness - 'so light on my feet' was the usual comment - but I did my main running with Paul 30 (ish!) years ago when I was a mere 23 - youthful bounce still being right there, no matter how I was feeling. And Paul went on to refine and deepen his teaching of running long after I had qualified and lived many hours away from him. So, I had clearly let unhelpful thought processes and habits creep in. Yes, the teacher always goes on learning, and happily so, but what were these habits? I got on the case....

I watched the little video on John's site, read the words, and set off around the big, wooden floored living area in my home - barefooted, and with my awareness raring to go. And it was quite remarkable what happened; ease, lightness, bounce, and no breathlessness. The feeling of years ago was back!

I looked up the 'toed-feet-shoes' that are suggested for early barefoot running before actual bare feet, and in the meantime I bought some cheap beach shoes - the ones that are stretch elastic tops (pink in my case, just because...!) with soft 'rubber' soles on the bottom, usually sold for walking over the rocks on the beach. They give no restriction to the foot, but offer some protection to the sole. And off I went down my track - to the post box and back with the ease of a 10 year old! And with such enjoyment of the sensation of....well, of nothing. No breathlessness, no fatigue, no jarring, just the joy of running again. 

And for a few days that is what I did, including running inside when it was just too wet outside. And today? Well, almost Gump-like, I ran down the track, past my post box, down the bridleway, on past the houses, past the telegraph pole that I used to 'aim for and then die', past the farm, and on... all the way to the gate at the reservoir and beyond - some half a mile, 10 times further than I had run for years. And I wasn't even breathless. 

I tried a few steps the 'old way', and it was hopeless - horrible. The 'heel-to-toe- roll (like the bottom of a wheel) that so helps in walking seriously doesn't work for running - for me anyway, despite the Alexander 'up' being present. No, the way that works is the way of lightness, of 'silent footfall' from the front of the foot meeting the ground with the heel only just brushing it in the name of feedback. Of being present in each moment with each of my feet, with my miraculous ankles and willing legs, with my whole body, my head, my eyes, with the grateful sensation of my sole and the earth meeting lightly - a brief connection - and my body, always over my feet - not behind or in front - having spring to it, resilience, support, 'ping' - no thudding, no pushing, no pulling myself along - even though I could have sworn I wasn't before! At one point I smiled; I suddenly felt like I used to, and how I used to see Paul run, even after all these years - light, short, economical steps that allowed him to run races of 24 hours and even six days. I am sure he was pleased to see the discoveries being made! And I still found 'leading with the thumbs' as helpful as it ever was when Paul showed us its power in the grounds of Alexandra Palace in London in 1980. Thanks, Paul!

When I got home I tried the 'new' way in shoes for a few steps, just to see, and the difference was, to me, incredible; my feet just didn't know what to do without the freedom to do what they know best. Restricted by shoes, or trainers, they seemed to give up, I landed on my heels, and all sorts of other parts had to start struggling to move me along. I have long said that the plantar reflex in our soles is too important to block with thick soles, and our feet and ankles are well able to support us and we do not need to have boots that 'protect our ankles', or shoes that 'help us run', but I had still allowed 'poor use' to slip in round the back in my own running!

So, what's the message here? To me it's that being a teacher of the Alexander Technique isn't about 'knowing it all', or having 'got there' (where ever 'there' is!) It's about understanding the process. The Alexander Technique itself isn't about 'doing things right'. It isn't about me having qualified in 'rightness' all those years ago so that this was a grave error on my part, making me no good at 'teaching others where right' is. No, the technique assists me to become conscious of what it is I am doing in any moment I choose. And that is what I teach - consciousness in every day life. The technique has shown me over and over the power of empirical learning, of curiosity and experiment based around the knowledge of how the body best works.  Why did I 'forget' around running for so long? Well, I too am human; sometimes whilst looking at one spinning plate, another one falls off the pole behind me! But what learning in the 'mistakes'! What discoveries I continue to make about how I respond to the stimuli of life  - I believe it is these discoveries that help me to be a more effective teacher. You might have read one of my first blogs when I recounted how my aunt said that a good teacher is only ever one step ahead of their students, and is often one step behind - as I was in gaining so much from my 'barefoot running student'.

So I am yet again grateful to the extraordinary Alexander Technique which offers me the tool to stop, wake up, assess, check, look, find, discover, let go, play, experiment, learn, and change into ever more ease and freedom. This has nothing to do with 'being right' - which is incredibly fixing - but with agreeing to be 'wrong', and thus to let go, free up, and move into a place of being able to still do the things we used to do, and still can, no matter our age! The work offers the antidote to 'I can't' in its 'Let's see if that's really true'. 

Why the name 'self-kindness'?

Today I was pondering the name of this blogspot - Self-kindness - and how it relates to my teaching of the Alexander Technique. I had a new student this morning and was again gratefully reminded of the power and depth of our work; this was a delightful lady who came in with arguably the longest list yet of “I can’t”s, and “They say I will never again”s. And yet she skipped out with a smile from ear to ear saying, “Look! I can!”, and “I can’t believe it; it straightens!”, and “Look what I just did!” as she put her coat on and went to her car. And the reason, I believe, was not so much the hour of work from both ‘hands and voice’, but from the hour of inviting her to enter into self-kindness, even though I never used those words. It wasn’t that she was being self-brutal (common enough on this planet), but that she dropped the ‘instructions and beliefs’ of the things she had been hearing for 7 years and allowed her body To Be Just As It Is Right Now. To be present in those places of pain and restriction with no expectation, no judgement, no comparisons. And delightfully she herself noticed and welcomed the unexpected softenings and releases that ‘just happened’.

I remember the ‘success’ of my early days’ lessons in 1980, but I remember, with a great deal more depth and joy, the ‘success’ that came about when I simply met my body - and later my whole self - just where it was right then and didn’t judge it any more. And by that I also mean not even saying ‘Thank goodness I now do that right’, or ‘At last I have stopped doing this or that when I move’ ; that too is a judgement, perhaps even a secret pleasure at having ‘beaten into submission’ that un-liked part of ourselves. But that is the same as the glorious part of ourselves that just knows (gnows) and can function beautifully when we get out of its way - when I get out of my own way. (Yes, what is the ‘I’ ? But that’s for another time!) The first, early days’ ‘success’ in my lessons was probably 100% the suppression method - my interpretation of the AT. My later discoveries carried ever growing amounts of self-kindness - the saying “What we resist, persists” finally experienced consciously. Only when I allowed the shortenings, the pull-downs, the tightenings, and narrowings to be there, did they truly soften and melt away. (And I didn’t even use the word ‘success’ in the later example!)

What an exciting thing it is to invite a student to look for, see, and accept with inner kindness, those previously dreaded things in themselves, and to sense the results of those ‘softenings’. Despite our being a psycho-physical unity, I believe it is worth seeing how our bodies are so kind to us, so willing to ‘be our earth suits’, ever loving and trusting in their ‘inhabitants’ - like a loving parent that just knows their child is wonderful and capable and watches for the moments that they ‘show up and shine’. 

Pushing causes rebelliousness. Demanding causes resistance. Pulling causes stubbornness. Pressure causes doubt. Invitation creates possibility. Acceptance creates ease. Trust creates confidence. Companionship creates self-belief. Working from only ‘where we/they are at’ creates the possibility for self-kindness, and, as you know, I am all for that. My question to myself in teaching? Is this action, or this word, creating or causing? Is  even my 'direction' creating or causing? If they're not the former, it’s time for a pause...