Past meets present.....

OK, I'm going to be straight up - this is a time of self-beating, not self-kindness. And yet it isn't; it's a time of feeling respect-fully in the moment, very open, extremely sensitive, new, exposed...the old shell off and the new one not yet set, and I am being (slightly) kind to myself, considering.... I have a coffee in front of me in my old 'Now Panic and Freak Out' mug, dug out from the back of the cupboard to remind me that I am doing well in not doing too much of the freaking out bit. And that agreeing to stay in this place of utter wake up is being very, very kind to myself.

What's happened I have no idea - much is changing for all of us at the moment, and I am in the business of change so am always up for it in some way, but this one feels huge. Whether it's a big mid-life-crisis, or even deeper shift in consciousness, I feel as if great scales have fallen off my hitherto thought to be aware eyes in the last four days. Years of facing old 'stuff' and healing it, and yet now it is as if I am right back in the old events of my life, yet with today's wisdom of years. And boy can I see, with nowhere to hide, where I wasn't so hot, was right off line, and was always spouting off in an attempt to look good, seem knowledgeable, faking-it-and-defintely-not-making-it. I don't know an eightieth of what I think I do. I've 'seen' it before, but as if I was outside looking in, but now I am right in it; hearing every word, seeing every action, sensing every emotion with acute clarity. 'Useless' - a belief I inked in by my very agreement to it - has arrived on my doorstep in person rather than in memory. And we are facing each other warily, sniffing the air to see what will come of this re-encounter....

 I wrote this earlier today, "We’re working on these things not so much for what you can see, but for what you can’t see; when the body is balanced, when there is an ‘is-ness’ about us, all sorts of good things start happening. In this instance, it’s not the body that’s balanced, but the person, the self, the whole. This work might look all about ‘looks’, but it’s far more to do with something much deeper - that layer which, when open and clear,  acts like a magnet for all things good. That layer is still happening when it’s all cluttered up and messy too - and that’s the life most of us know and wonder why pain, both physical and emotional, happens over and over. Well, if we go on doing what we’ve always done, we’re going to go on getting what we’ve always got. The thing is, anything else feels so unfamiliar that it feels outright wrong. And who’s going to risk doing something that feels wrong in order for good things to happen? Hence the role of an Alexander teacher - in the safe environment of a lesson you have the chance to experience what it feels like to not do the old, familiar things and to experience other possibilities. If we can’t even stand up from a chair, or walk across the room in a way that feels different without tensing up and leaping into massive judgements about it, how on earth are we going to handle the somewhat larger things in life, like relationship problems, job arguments, big decisions? Consequently we go on doing the same old things and just getting a PhD in disappointment. The principle of how is the same - 
1. Be aware of what I’ve always done and how I’ve done it. 2. Say no to that old way - not resisting, just being present and open to new ideas as I consider what it is I am aiming for. 3. Allow those new ways to manifest, again without judgement, and see what happens.  And most importantly, to understand that I always maintain my choice to go back to the old way if I want; this is always my decision, just under guidance, not brainwashing or trickery, or being told what to do. However, it is so important to have support of a teacher in that place of, “But this feels wrong; I want to do it the old way, but I know that doesn’t work/gives me pain, so, what do I do?!?” At that point the hands and voice of the teacher are there to reassure and keep you on track until you discover that all is well and your confidence grows."

Well, I have that PhD in (self-)disappointment staring me in the face right now. And yet, if I go on doing what I’ve always done, I'm going to go on getting what I’ve always got.' So, what have I always done? I can tell you right now, uncomfortable as it is for me to say so; it is pretending I am someone other than I am. And that I know a great deal of Important Stuff, which I don't. And now I leave a space, on purpose.... 




.....to allow time for my no reaction, no old running off into "but if I...", or "If I imitate so-and-so...', or 'that book assures me that really I am beautiful inside...' Space to sit right with it and not run away inside or outside....



'Pretending I am someone other than I am'....I've been working on this one for years - I even run courses called "Living Your Truth". But this layer is a biggy.  What's different about this one? It seems much, much deeper than the previous ones. Because the one I am inside, the one who has been hiding - who feels she wont ever be successful, wont ever reach her dreams - is now standing in the room, looking at me, reminding me of all I failed at. Yet is this really true? It's also as if that young girl is looking at me as if to say, "Yes, you acted. You pretended. You were too scared to do anything else. In fact you were told that was the right way to live and good people acted really well. But that was then. I thought you would have dropped that agreement by now. Why are you still acting you instead of being you?"

Because it's a deeply ingrained habit - I've done it for years. As Tommy Thompson often says in workshops, "What is it you do in order to be who you think you need to be?" I thought I had that one cracked, but now, oh boy, how long have you got?!.... I remember a great release many years ago when I read Jeremy Chance's words, "I gave up all the effort I was putting into being Jeremy". But this feel even deeper. Now, like the writing above, I need to experience (yet again) what it feels like to not do the old, familiar things and to experience other possibilities... Fortunately I have had this work with me for many years now; I recognise times of change with (tentative!) gratitude. I am more used to sitting in that place where unfamiliar feels so wrong, but heck, right now I admit it would be lovely to have a teacher in here with me!

Still, I have my higher power, my soul-self, with me as I sit, walk, garden, teach, carry on the day 'doing nothing about this feeling'; simply acknowledging the strangeness and risking all for the shift within by posting words like these... Do-or-dare, go for it, drop the mask and share what's really going on inside instead of what I hope people will like and approve of. Maybe stupid, maybe wise - but a chance for me to 'not react' to the outcome nonetheless.

And now to not write an effacing, doubtful, apologetic final sentence - just leave it.... There.... End.