So, how does the be-friending of my self, instead of bashing myself, change things?
Well, what does your self-bashing self say to you? To stop it, it has to be heard and questioned.
Mine says things like, "Look at those old socks - dreadful… Your hair is awful; you look ridiculous… You house is a tip… You don't get anything done…. You're as lazy as s**t…. You should have done a; everyone else has… You ought not to have done b; other people don't… If you'd done x, you'd have achieved y by now…. Listen to that piano playing; you could have played like that if…. Well, other people just get on with it..." Blah, blah, blah-dee blah….
And then, from the inner agreement I made long ago to the brain-washing that, 'If you really wanted to, you could do anything if you try hard enough', comes my almost addictive desire to sniff out people who tell me I can fly to the moon through molten tar, with one arm strapped behind my back, whilst wearing lead boots, because, 'Look, I and everyone else can - what's wrong with you? You clearly aren't trying hard enough and obviously aren't good enough.' And as they are doing it, it must be true. Mustn't it….?
People saying, 'If I can do it, anyone can…' is actually pretty dodgy; no, not everyone can be 'amaaaaazing', and nor should everyone. What a monotonous world that would be! The entire population of planet Earth meeting at the top of Everest for tea, 7 billion people sailing around the world at the same time, and the same again playing phenomenal piano concertos every night - all fighting for mountain, sea, and stage room….no sponsors, no viewers, no audiences; a world without the inspiring variety we have now - without the quiet, unsung 'heroes' doing things which change and save lives every second. Every mother, father, partner, nurse, teacher, neighbour….go on for a moment filling in the blanks, and include your self.
So, I see now the magnetic pull of 'I can do anything (as long as it's massive) if I try hard enough' is the drug which feeds my 'not good enough' habit - watch me pick the most difficult things for me, and actually feel double bad because actually they are not very big at all. Double success through a double failure! And with a double hangover!
How to change this? The same way as has worked for years: Stop. Just stop. Cease the Lemming-like rush towards 'be brilliant!' And in the space left, see what I can do, and want to do, where, and when…the what I am unique at. Then do that. This means leaving all the things I think I ought to do and not feeling bad about them. Which is something only I can decide is possible. And when the shock-horror-failure-feeling rises, to stay with it, acknowledge it, hear it, and most especially be kind to it, kind to me…. And when I hear again the tempting cry of the Be More Now bird - 'you must build, bigger, faster, more, now!' - to sit down, firmly, and hear my best, loving, kind self's take on it; is this going to lift me to the next, best version of me possible, or is it going to ask of me what I haven't got/don't actually want, and just feed my NGE (not good enough) habit?
It's a question worth asking - I, like you, am here to be the fully and most appropriately me in the world, the best Annie I can be, not the best someone else, however like the 'brilliant other' they extol me to be. Can I be the great me I am? And can you be the great you you are? Or will I (and you?) go on trying to be the 'them-me' I think I ought to be?
So, beware the 'Be Better Than You Already Are' brigade; go find the 'Be You At The Top of Your Own Voice' support team; I think they will serve you better to rise and to shine. That's what I am doing for me now.
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