I must stay in control….!! Is that true?

So, ok, what is this thing called ‘control’? It’s not a word I like much; it smacks of ‘discipline’, which smacks of having to do something I don’t want to do, in a way I don’t want to do it - it feels all about someone else’s wishes, not mine. If I want to do something, and to do it well, I don’t think of it as discipline or control, I think of it as flowing, actuated purpose, which grows into the realisation of my intention.

So what happens if I’m not going where I want to go, being where I want to be, experiencing my intention? There are two choices; one is to resist, fight, push, and ‘stay in control’ so things hold together and look as if they are working and I don’t look like I am panicking. The other is to release to soften the contraction, be present to the mess, and even fall apart, just keeping a light hand on the tiller through it all until steerage returns. This last way seems less cluttered, more useful, more my truth.

What’s this ‘fall apart’ bit though…? I don't like that bit, do you?

It’s the bit I don’t want to be transparent about; control is the thing which, although I don’t like, keeps me (Ha!) looking as if I know what I am doing. Control is my ‘I’m fine’ actions - my re-action - and my reaction is one of subtly holding, tightening down, contracting, hanging on for dear life, waiting with baited breath (i.e. holding my breath at the end of the out breath)....  Is this reaction so you don’t see I am anxious? No, it’s so I don’t see I am anxious! I don’t want to admit to anxiety; I don’t do anxious any more, surely? I ‘should’ be able to handle things with grace, not even like a swan who is paddling like fury under the water; just with grace, ease, calm balance... Shouldn’t I...? Yet being swan-like isn’t a bad thing to be; perhaps true grace is grace under pressure, not grace under ease!

Well, let’s cut to the real deal... I often share with my students how delightfully adjacent we are as humans when we live as if we can hold the sun 24/7. As if we can keep the tide from going in or or out. As if we can be both ‘up-yet-calm’ all the time. I’ve got news for you, we can’t. And this is a reminder for myself. Again. (Ah yes, we teach what we most need to learn!) So can we let each other - and mostly our self - off the hook from worrying as to what people will think if we’re not ‘in control’?

When we do come on wobbly times - and we ALL do, frequently, and often messily - can we let our self wobble? And through that permission, let others wobble, too?

I teach the Alexander Technique - a process that is extraordinarily effective in taking us back to our latent ease and flow. ideas that assist us to be a great deal calmer in the face of life’s squalls. But mostly its power lies in not panicking when all seems lost during the wobbles - whether over spilt milk or major life changes - and in trusting the AT’s signposts in the matter of returning* to our equilibrium... (*‘Returning’ appeared as ‘retuning’ at first - I like that too.) ‘Being good enough’ is not staying in control, it’s wobbling about freely and magnificently, quietly or loudly, and then gaining back our balance when it’s time. With permission to wobble comes the graceful wobble! For change to occur, the old has to fall apart to make space for the new.  So any wobbling before the fall apart into change is entirely apt and not wrong. 

Ah ha! So there it is, the problem revealed; the discomfort is about Change! That word we all dread as it surely includes ‘for the worst’. But who says? Is it true? Where did that belief come from? How would I feel without that belief? My advice to myself here is “Doubt my doubts!” And live today as if anxiety is as welcome as joy, just to see what happens. Maybe it’s really excitement, because change so often for the better! 

So, I’m off to wobble with I hope not only grace, but excellence! Join me?

Happy wobbling!!