In the beginning... was the blog.

Today I at last decided to join that wonderful modern idiom of blogging, yet spent most of the day deciding on a name; all the ones I had in mind being already in use elsewhere. The bonus to this was that it got me really sitting with what I do, what I wish to convey here most of all, how I see the heart of my work, and I was again grateful for the rich diversity of its strands - if my work was a flower, it would be one of compound petals, each petal representing an aspect of that which I was trying to encapsulate in a couple of descriptive words as a title. One thing for sure, 'Self' had to be in there somewhere.... 

I know it's the first blog, but I might take courage in both hands and start as I would like to continue; in being open and sharing my story - because after all, there is no one else's I can share - in the hope it companions others on their journey. So, here I go....

For a long time, my self wasn't anywhere - it was pushed down, denied, scorned, loathed, riddled with shame, and consequently fearful beyond measure. I thought it was others who had done all that to me, and although I had heard much that fed it to me, I had deep-down agreed it was true. So it was actually me, to me, of me, about me. And after years of that, I finally went down a deep, dark hole. At the bottom I happened upon a group on the internet, people who seemed to not only care, but took me as I was, and who wanted to genuinely know who I was - not my name, not my lifestyle, nothing other than Who I Was. Just Me. At the beginning, an anonymous 'internet name' was required, and in my haste to join, I went for the first thing that came into my head - Finding My Feet. And so I joined in the conversations there, and was touchingly nicknamed 'FMF' - a sense of affection that began to filter through inside me. After a few months I became aware that I had actually found my feet, Now I felt something new growing inside, a self-trust, an ok-ness, an acceptable-ness through those who seemed to see something in me that I hadn't. And with a sense of progress, I wrote to the administrator and asked if I could possibly change my name to Finding My Self? She was delighted and I became 'FMS'. I remember that time so clearly; I was so amazed at this new sense, and I knew that above all, from out of somewhere I hadn't ever known, I wanted to reach the point where I might be able to call myself Finding My Soul. But this seemed so far removed from possibility that I never even mentioned it to anyone.

However, my soul had other ideas, and as time went on, things happened, people came into my life, different methods of working were offered to me, and a training undertaken where I firmly and clearly found my soul, and my soul found me. And I smiled deep inside at the journey I had been on, and that I was still on, but joyfully now because I had tools, and I trusted that there would be more tools, more support, more belief, more discoveries - those things that I had never thought my self worthy of. Thank goodness my soul knew otherwise, and thank goodness I was listening! 

So, now I had the first word for the title - Self. What was the other word that would sum up the work I teach? Poise, balance, ease, peace, quiet, energy, integration, body, mind, soul, truth, purpose, remembering, curiosity, enquiry, inquisitiveness, intrigue, opening, allowing, flowing, growth, learning, undoing, stillness, vitality, connection, and the power of the word.... On and on the list goes! But either they had all been taken (including even my most obscure consideration of "Earthsuit Living"!), or didn't feel right in some way. So, I wondered deeply, what is it that this work brings about? What is it that assists this work? What is it that I am delighted if it awakens in a student? What do all these words ideally create? What is it that really matters to me that my students find through my work? And I thought back to what my 'Findings' era brought to me.... And it was a kindness. A kindness to me, for me, in me, of me, about me....and one I found was truly share-able; I discovered an irrefutable fact; that if it was to be there to offer others, it had to be there for me, by me, in me, first. And not fake manners. Not pasted respect. Not charming 'niceness' - my mother's favourite word. And not sacrifice. Just simple kindness. And so Self-Kindness felt the words to use for the blog title. 

And now off I go into the blogging world and my intention is to write about those things that occur that reveal the many ways I still forget to be self-kind. To share those things that have been part of my life that led me to choose the very opposite of self-kindness. To share the ways and teachings that have led me back to being able to (more often than not) sit kindly with myself as I respond to all the stimuli of life. To discuss - and I really hope you'll join in - the many ways we hurt and heal, react and respond, wonder and ponder, go up and down on this amazing journey we are on at this time. Because one thing of which I am now totally convinced; we cannot get anywhere near peace in our world until we can love, or even like, our selves. "Love thy neighbour as thy self" might be quoted as one of the most important messages of peace ever spoken, but as I know from feeling pretty iffy towards myself during much of my life and unpleasantly projecting that outwards big-time, loving our selves has to come first. (And I know I am not alone in this; it's time to compassionately face the level of self-unhappiness in the world.) I found it a surprising journey because again, I was way off the mark as to what loving myself felt like before I met it. It's to do with the next well known quotation; "To thine own self be true". This self-kindness is not a sin. It isn't arrogant. It includes others in that love and is not selfish. It's just an open heart - and an open heart that points inwards first and foremost to enable that love to reflect back out and encompass others. The heart-opening is the journey - let's travel on together.


...and meet our own emotions with kindness, because only then can we meet another's...